Breathe Me
by PancakesAndSunshine
Summary: "If something happens to my world... There's no point living." All Abby really needs is for someone to... Breathe her. *Rated T for heavy themes and suggestions. R&R!


**Author's Note: Hey guys! This new little story was inspired by the song "Breathe Me" by Sia. I was listening to it the entire time I was writing this :) It's a wonderful song. She has a beautiful voice and the piano accompaniment is perfect! I suggest you listen to it while actually reading the story. It's amazing and gives you a surreal feeling. Trust me, I tried it. This story kind of mimics my other one, Skinny Love. But, meh… I liked the song.**

**ALSO: The bold italicized words are the song lyrics. The regular italicized words are Abby's inner thoughts.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

****TRIGGER WARNING** **

**This deals with self-harm and eating disorders. If it may trigger negative memories for you, please do not continue. Remember, you are beautiful and I love you. I don't want you to get hurt by what I write. Stay strong, beautiful…**

_**Help, I have done it again**_

_**I have been here many times before**_

_**Hurt myself again today**_

_**And the worst part is there's no one else to blame**_

"God…" Abby sighed, pulling her shirt up and stopping just below her black bra.

"Disgusting," she spat at her reflection, staring at her perfectly smooth and toned stomach and throwing her shirt on the ground.

But the lean, muscular midsection wasn't what she saw in the mirror.

She saw fleshy skin hanging off her body; Bulbous lumps of fat that shouldn't be there.

Then, taking a deep breath, she slowly peeled her tights from her body, and proceeded to shred her skirt off, leaving herself in her bra and underwear. She stared at her knobby knees, the gap between her scarred thighs, then up to her protruding hipbones. She turned to look at her back. There were scratches and scars, and her spine was clearly showing. As she turned to her previous position facing the mirror, she saw her ribs with every fluttering breath.

_Is it worth it?_

"Why?" she whispered to herself. "Why do you eat so much? I told you to not to have that stupid Caf-Pow earlier. Dammit, Abby! Why do you never listen?"

_I'm sorry. I just need help._

"You sure as hell need help. Stop eating so much! Do you know how much sugar was in that drink?"

_It's not my fault…_

"Cut the bull, Abigail. It **is **your fault. You just don't have the guts to tell Gibbs to stop bringing them to you."

_But he's gonna ask questions. And so will McGee and Ziva and Tony. They'll start assuming things._

"Well, **let **them assume, Abby. God, you're such a coward."

_Please don't say those things. I'm not a coward._

"You know what? Might as well kill yourself now. You're never going to get better from here."

_Please._

"Stop whining like a baby. You're so pathetic. So cowardly. In fact, that's all you are. You're so afraid of everything. People see through that little happy act of yours. Do you really think you could pull it off all this time? Come on. Kate saw through it. So did McGee. He left you because he got freaked the hell out."

_No he didn't… Please don't say that. He left because it wasn't working._

"And it wasn't working because you're such a whiney little kid. You're so needy. God, you clung to him like superglue. What the hell?"

_But… I needed him…_

"Well, he obviously didn't need you."

_He stopped me… _

"What about last time? He did _nothing_. Absolutely _nothing_."

That sent her over the edge. Soon enough, there were cuts on her upper abdomen and along her thighs.

"That's good, Abby. Remember, they'll check your wrists, but never your thighs."

_It hurts…_

"Suck it up, you little weakling."

Her tears stung the open wounds. It felt like her body was on fire as she reached for a towel. She pressed it to her stomach and mopped up the blood around her, strands of sweat-soaked hair sticking to her face.

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.

"Abby? I'm here," a voice called.

_Tim…_

_Wait a minute. You tricked me! You told me he didn't want me. But he's back. He's back for me, and you knew he was coming! How could you?_

"That's just the way things roll, Abby."

And from the hallway, McGee called again. "Abby?" He frowned. She was always prompt to open the door. He jiggled the handle, and to his surprise the door pushed open easily.

_**Be my friend**_

_**Hold me, wrap me up**_

_**Unfold me**_

_**I am small**_

_**I'm needy**_

_**Warm me up**_

_**And breathe me**_

"Abby?" he called, craning his neck every which way. "Abbs, are you home?"

She licked her cracked lips as his footsteps came down on the hard wooden floor.

"Don't come in," she called hoarsely, crawling to the door in an attempt to close it. She could barely graze the door with her fingers.

His steps sounded closer and closer.

Then…

_No…_

The tips of his shiny black Aldo loafers came into view. McGee found himself throwing his body next to Abby's, shedding his jacket and grabbing towels madly, pressing them into her body.

"Not again, Abby," he mumbled, nearly throwing up. His heart broke to see his fragile little Abby curled up on the floor, so vulnerable.

_My little Abby_, he thought as he continued to tend to her wounds. The Abby that would always have a beautiful smile on her face, even during the darkest of cases. The Abby that would ask you what was wrong although you had shown no signs of distress. The Abby that he loved unconditionally. The Abby he wanted to be brave enough to protect. His Abby.

"I don't need your help, Tim," she spat harshly, wincing as he cleansed her cuts. He licked his lips and ignored her, knowing she was speaking nonsense.

_But I really do._

"I'm sorry," she whispered, taking over the voice inside her head that was trying to control her.

"_What are you doing?" _it hissed. She swallowed hard and looked into McGee's eyes.

"I really need your help," she continued, pushing back the voice.

"I know," he replied, wrapping gauze around her wrists. He took her hand and pressed his warm lips to her intensely frigid skin.

"Come here," he whispered, pulling her tiny body close to him. "Do you need some water? Or, maybe, a hospital?"

She shook her head as she buried her face into his chest. "No. I just need you," she replied quietly, tears dripping down her face. "I just need you to stay." She wrapped her arms around his neck.

"I'm sorry, Abby," he sighed, caressing her freezing shoulder with the palm of his left hand, the other around her waist. "This is my fault."

"I'm just not good enough for you. I'm not skinny enough. I'm not happy enough. Well, I'm not _truly _happy enough. I know you see through my shield," she sobbed.

He frowned, truly taken aback. "Abby… What are you talking about? Since when are you 'not good enough' for me?"

"You know I'm not, Tim. We both know I'm not. I see the girls that follow you around. Beach-blonde, gorgeous… And they're skinny," she whimpered.

"No," he whispered. He pulled her chin up and forced her to look him in the eye. "You're good enough. You're too good. I'm scared, Abby."

"Why are you scared? There's nothing to be scared of," she replied.

"I'm scared I can't protect you…"

"Protect me from what?"

He stood up, leaving her on the floor. "From yourself." With that, he turned on his heel.

"Please…" she whispered in a raspy tone. "Don't do this. I need you."

He took a deep breath and forced himself to turn back around. Her murky green eyes pleading with him caused his eyes to spring a leak. He returned to her side immediately and pulled her in gently.

His tears dripped onto her back as they held each other close on the dirty bathroom floor. "I'm so sorry," he whispered. "I'm just scared I can't protect you from what you've become."

"I can't help it…" she replied softly.

"Abby… You need to. You have to do this to save yourself. You're the only one who can. I can't eat for you. Why do you do it?" he swallowed down the lump in his throat.

_**Ouch**_

_**I have lost myself again**_

_**Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found**_

_**Yeah, I think that I might break**_

_**I've lost myself again and I feel unsafe**_

"I don't know who I am anymore," she explained tearfully. "I need to feel that control. I wanna feel like I'm worth something, because I know I'm not."

"How could you say that?" he gasped, his eyebrow furrowed.

"I just… I know I'm not."

"Abby… You are worth something," he said firmly.

She gave a feeble laugh. "No I'm not."

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "You're worth everything to me," he confessed.

Her heavy breathing picked up. "Stop."

"No. I won't. I've held back before, and where did it get us? Nowhere. It just… _I _hurt you," he sighed.

"I just feel like nothing will be right again. Harper Dearing made me feel so… _Small_," she admitted.

He took a deep breath. "All this is because of him?"

She nodded, her arms still wrapped around him. "I just needed someone to be there."

He kissed her forehead. "I'm so sorry, Abby. I-I should've been there…"

"B-but when I heard that y-you had the glass in y-your stomach…" she began to sob again. "I-I thought you were d-dead."

"No, no, no," he whispered. "No."

_**Be my friend**_

_**Hold me, wrap me up**_

_**Unfold me**_

_**I am small**_

_**I'm needy**_

_**Warm me up**_

_**And breathe me**_

"I just need something permanent," she explained, tears still flowing from her eyes.

He opened his mouth just enough to lick his lips, and closed it again, not knowing what to say. "I…"

If he committed, he would have to go through the emotional setbacks Abby did.

_Are you really being that selfish, Tim? _He thought to himself.

But here she was… Begging for someone to be there for her, begging for someone to love her.

He was so afraid. He didn't know if he could handle her. He was scared of hurting her even more; of giving her a bigger reason to do this to herself.

Finally, he swallowed. "I can do that," he whispered. She looked up at him, eyes full of confusion. "I can be permanent. For you. For me."

A small smile was tugging at the corner of her mouth. "For us."

He picked her up bridal-style and carried her to the kitchen. Draping a blanket around her shoulders, he sighed. "I'm gonna get you something to eat."

"Thank you," she mumbled, studying her chewed-up fingernails. Her eyes followed him as he dialed for Chinese take-out.

Once he was finished, he knelt by her side and took her face in his hands.

"You are more than enough for me. Please, don't tell yourself you're not worthy of me. _I'm _not worthy of _you_. You're so beautiful. Don't… Just don't," he whispered.

"I'm sorry," she trembled at his touch. He raised himself up and pressed a soft kiss to her lips, then peppered some down her neck.

"I love you," he whispered.

She leaned her forehead against his. "I love you too."

"I meant it, Abby."

"What?"

"What I said earlier. About how you mean everything to me."

"Oh."

"Because it's true. You're my world. And if something happens to my world… There's no point living. You are my world. You're my life. You're what I think of… Every day, Abby. You're like my drug. Without you… I go crazy. I couldn't stand seeing you with Cade."

"I'm sorry…"

"I-it's like… It's like I breathe you. You're my oxygen. You're what keeps me going. Please… Don't ever stop," he finished breathlessly.

"I won't."

"You're mine. Don't ever forget that." He pressed his lips to hers, hard. "I love you."

With one last caress of her face, he stood up to open the door for the deliveryman.

_**Breathe me…**_

**Author's Note: So? What did you think? Heavy stuff, huh? Anyway, let me know what you thought by leaving a review! I really do hope you enjoyed it. Bye! **


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